electric heartbeat moment*

[image via blackorchid]

"i think he can see through everything but my heart"

[images via buthonestly]

missadachi is back yay :) while she did her thirty days without fb ive been trying to do thirty days of trusting. thirty days of my first thought not being 'they could hurt me' or 'it's not a big deal if all they know is the person i let them see'. and it's been surprisingly liberating. sufficiently terrifying, but wonderful none the less. taylorswift's description of herself on her myspace page makes me love her even more. yes, i am on her myspace page right now. stalking: her blog. listening to: her new single, mine. and wishing: we were actually friends. haha. okay i better get to bed. to dream of: sparkly things. christmas time. sunset picnics. that night on the beach when you let me lean in and rest my head on your chest. indulging in the beauty of the moment. and never looking back. "you are the best thing that's ever been mine."

enchantedhappy xoxo

you don't know him*

(it's not fair. it's ruining my days. and making me miss your heartbeat. even though i know i'm not allowed. even though i was sure everything was going perfectly. for us both. it's not about before. it's not about why. i just really need to sleep. and to trust. i need to be able to be, even when i don't understand. and not to feel like i need to prove my honesty or sincerity.
or my love.)
currently stalking: domesticdaddy. french socialites. enrico coveri. (-youll love it, charles. go stalk!) ALSO. i just reblogged a post from iwrotethisforyou. it's long. but hectic. questioning mediafreedom in SA.

enchantedhappy xoxo

i'm not, i'll miss you*

[image via but, honestly]

(you see me and you know. you read beyond the lines i don't realise ive drawn. you know me and it scares me. but youre the one i want to run to. so why do you pretend to miss the one thing im not hiding. am i supposed to go along with it? i don't understand.)

enchantedhappy xoxo

the lies you spun like a sorceror*

she is wise beyond her years. insightful. creative. opinionated. free-spirited. twelve.

she has tea parties, true to elizabethan rituals. reads history books. teaches herself foreign languages. and this week, she can't go to bed before she watches her favourite scenes from 'alexander' (the specific edition she approves of).

my cousin is staying with me tonight. theyr all covering up a lie that (having watched enough tv in my life) i know will ruin her, even if it's in the long run. or maybe i'm thinking of myself. always looking for an excuse, for justification. perhaps she is stronger. perhaps she is able to put things into perspective and to see the pure motive behind their actions. either way, i'm against this.

we spent tonight googleimage-stalking horses, for her art project. i wouldve loved to go to her school. 

but flip, im so glad im done. went to my old highschool the other day (oh, the things i do for opsmile.. lol) and left more furious than ive been in a while. furious. and frustrated. so glad i got out. and i felt pity for those caught up in their moment of authority. spiralling through this system as though it's their realm to rule, without consequence. without consideration for the lives theyre meant to be shaping.-but hey, education systems that prepare you for life, that's only theoretical. why would one think that's actually how it plays out in real life. (yes, it is bitterness that you sense)

before, i loved school. to loser-ish degrees. but highschool was painful. i made the most incredible friends, and for them i will be forever grateful. cried my heart out as we sang goodbye. but i cried for them. i cried for the memories and the relationships. and i cried tears of intense relief. i cried thankful tears and sighed 'finally' sighs. i pray that she will never have a moment like that. that these last few years of the safety net (or the barrier) of school will be years of enlightenment. of inspiration. fulfillment and joy.

and i pray that tonight we will both dream sweetly*

enchantedhappy xoxo

meant to publish this lastnight*

yesterday i: learnt that in madagascar, on our way to the hospital each morning, we walk along the beach. fell in love with jo's puppy. renamed jo's puppy. succesfully made a meal. hijacked jo's fb. spent all day with medical council folders. ate four pears. found chloe's skirt. contemplated the similarities between love and death.

today i: woke up with superfastjellyfish stuck in my head.-still going. now i just feel like fruitloops. then i realised ive never had luckycharms. and kinda feel left out. found a really pretty keyring for missadachi.

jo is moving. into her own place. gosh. *so jealous* and so sad. so many memories in her house. so many things i thought we'd always do there. oh well.

went to greenmarketsquare on a hunt. such beautiful jewellery. felt so horrible being like 'no thank you, im just looking'. it's weird that that's my automatic response. it's like.. growing up i've been.. desensitized. you want two rand? no, i can smell the alcohol alll over you. i'm not gonna give you money to feed into your addiction. but then i just walk away. surely that's worse. i guess i could justify it by sayin that i'm using my discretion. and there are some people who have stopped trying to improve their situations, relying on begging and sleeping on the streets. i once met a man who had lost all his family bc his wife lied to her new boyfriend, and basically stole their house away from him. he has by no means lost his will to live, but he doesn't see the need to get a job and find a house or reunite with his children. he continues to smoke and is quite happy to live on the streets. -something i can't understand. but does that give me reason to decide if he should get lunch today or not? on the other hand, should it be my responsibility?

[overthinking today lol]

stalking cadbury. and celebrities. for work. yes, i have the greatest job.

enchantedhappy xoxo

and in your words i hear a melody*

i'm not upset bc you left. i'm upset bc you were the only one who could see what i was really feeling. the only one who knew of the thoughts rushing through my mind. the only one who could see that i was about to cry. and when i called to you, when i needed you, you were caught up in your own frustration. you left me and without a moment's consideration, you forgot about my pain.

it's misty and i'm tired. i'm pretty sure it just began to rain. (buuut that might just be the dishwasher?)  i feel like the world is spinning way too fast for me to catch my breath. and above all the chaos, you're both telling me to take the risk. but im freaking out. atleast if it failed when you were here, i could run to you when it hurt. now, you'll know. but you can't hug me til i cry. i can't lie with you until i breathe steady, until i think clearly. and you cant make it feel better without words.

more than anything right now... i want to spend a week there. drinking endless amounts of tea and reading old books all day. watching the sun set. lighting candles. eating marshmellows and writing in my journal all night. i don't say it enough, bc it comes so naturally... us. but don't ever forget: you mean the world to me.

i do, however, say this more than enough: taylor momsen is the greatest.

in other news of the day: taco night was legit. i have incredible friends. i am constantly struck by the brilliance of operationsmile south africa. i can't wait for missadachi to experience capetown! stefan and mona leave tomorrow. my heart is so sad about it. well, on that note...

goodnight. i must complete a poster and then watch greys.

added on 43things today: to ride in a hotair balloon. to be taken on the greatest date. for my nineteenth to be everything ive dreamed. to be able to roar like simba.

enchantedhappy xoxo

riley is ..well, you'll see*

  

she's one of my favourite models. sasha, you are wonderful! (yeah we're totally on a first-name basis! but her surname is insanely cool.) nylon says iheartny is good. and it's taking foreeeva to download, so it better be!

  

[supercool. but who makes it? i want some] - i also want that girl's blacklacy highwaistedskirt. i managed not to stare in awe, which is quite impressive*

  

eclipse was wonderful. it's done really well. i miss zac and vanessa in my life. (again, yes we're bffs) i've rewatched all the hsm's so many times. i need beastly and charlie stcloud to come out now. what happened to me&orsonwells? gosh* building up my hopes and dreams only to shoot me down.

you know what i MUST make happen? aug 12. 7pm. bristow. ahhh* (jessicasmith is flying as.we.speak. ahhh)

enchantedhappy xoxo

drama class*

today, i wore what danna calls my tulip skirt. and jo's heart.

i ended up in the hardcore parts of town, with really beautiful expensive jewellery in my bag. alone. but it was a fun adventure. and i went to 15 on orange with danna. we discussed all of the world's issues. and our own. and children's books. and incredible take-me-out dresses. i made a new decision. and meagan said something sarcastic and memorable. good times*

this weekend will be filled with birthdays and goodbyes. a baby shower. and alfonzo-stalking.

enchantedhappy xoxo

superficial lines explain it all*

yesterday i went for a lovely walk through town with danna. we sat in the gardens, came into close contact with squirrels and spoke about.. life. about decisions and applications and boys and fashion (duh) and poetry and inspiration :) it was an enriching day for me. and i found photos which remind me of 'the secret garden' which i loved when i was younger. i wonder if i still would today.. i am currently reading a book called 'stories we could tell'. it's quite cool. today, i wore pearls. and lace. leather. leggings. lipstick. and i thought i had made a decision, but i guess i hadn't. and then things got personal. and now i feel drained. *sigh* yesterday feels forever away.

to end, i quote rumi (thanks danna). if. the start and the finish.

"you are that blessed soul who

belongs to the garden of paradise

is it fair to let yourself

fall apart in a shattered house

you are the bird of happiness

in the magic of existence

what a pity when you let

yourself be chained and caged

but if you can break free

from this dark prison named body

soon you will see

you are the sage and the fountain of life"

enchantedhappy xoxo

we could paint the roses*

so. after much .. let's call it drama. it's been decided that i am moving out of my bedroom. which i love. so i have to clear everything out. like right now. and now i have a room which isnt even part of the house. it's by the back garden. but okay. i guess i can recreate it however i want. bc right now it's .. let's say.. going for the industrial vibe.

i am painting a wall this turquoise colour. and doing the frame vibe.

and i will have pretty fairy lights. which i already have. but i will use them more often. bc im outside. of the world. haha. oh yay can i have the huge mirror. and a chandelier please*

i want to live in a palace*

that would be lovely. and i could dance around in really big hallways with high ceilings.

but not today i guess.

enchantedhappy xoxo

hurry up, cheyne*

found this and decided to dedicate this to cheyne. bc it is , as R so clearly stated, "so relevant" haha. seriously boy, ur messing my friend around.u guys could be so good. so make up your mind. it's all or nothing. now or never xoxo