My heart is a little bruised and a little tired and a little hopeful, and I'm too scared to open the letter I wrote myself in the clinic three months ago, so I wrote a new one, to a much younger me, from a stronger me:
You are beautiful You know this, you've always believed it. But I need you to please remember it. That you're beautiful when you dance across wooden floors in those ballet shoes you love so much, and you're beautiful in that frilly pink skirt you wore the day he fell for you.
Remember it in a few years when you decide to stop eating because you can't breathe under the weight of your world, remember it when you keep yourself empty every time she shouts at you. Remember that you're beautiful because you're always honest and you're beautiful because you see things in colours your friends are too afraid to see. Beauty is not in tiny ribcages or delicate scars. That is pain.
You'll wake up one day and find strength in making yourself weak, because you'll be terrified. I know you're already scared because of all the secrets you're holding up in that heart. I know you're angry, and I know you stay up all night writing goodbye letters. But one day you'll meet a girl who is just as scared as you, and you'll read about a girl who is even more scared than you. You will open your heart to boys who are mesmerized by a part of you you'd forgotten to notice. And together, they will help you see that you don't like saying goodbye.
Please don't forget you're beautiful, and please only listen to people who say your heart is gold. Don't ever stop dancing, don't panic on stage, don't stop writing when your heart breaks.She will not stop shouting at you, and you will always need to be strong for yourself. But you'll always be following your heart.
People don't stay, you've learned this the hard way, and they won't stop leaving. But in a few years you'll find people who left, but love you more than you knew possible. Don't stop loving them when they leave, always send light.
You're going to break, you're going to feel as though your heart was smashed in a furious rage. But you are precious, made of starlight, don't you ever give up. Nothing is too big or too broken for the King of the Universe. And you are never alone.
You are not alone. You will find hope in the stories of love, and you will find purpose in being honest about your pain. Thee will be a girl who will send you light every morning, and remind you that you're going to change the world. There will be people, across oceans, who understand you and it will hurt that they are far away, but they love you. Let them.
You're strong enough, and you're made of stars. Shine.
Write, read, dance. Always.
I promise, I promise, you will be thankful for every minute of this journey.
I promise there is light. I promise.