she waits*

I'm scared that I will die

I'm scared that I will die and all my journals will sit in their corner

I'm scared that  will die and every thought and hope and wish I made won't have it's time to come true.

I'm scared that I will die and all the boys I liked won't read the poems I wrote about them

I'm scared the letters I wrote to my mom won't be found (I'm scared they will be found, too)

I'm scared my heartsongs will never be heard

but I am also scared they will.

I'm scared that I will never fill a book with Charlotte

and that we won't have that glitter-filled store and we won't save as many lives as I know we can

I'm scared dust glitter rain won't change the world if I don't make it

I'm scared that all my feelings will stop my heart a day too soon

I am scared that I'm not living

The way I want to and the way that matters

I'm scared I'm scared

That I will never earn this life back

The miracle that filled my heart when I felt alive again -and wanted to be

after every night I prayed so hard -tears running down my face, hysterical-

I'm scared every day I breathe and cry and worry.

I'm scared I am never enough light and never enough hope

to earn all of this life back.

I am scared that I am fooling my way through

all this breathing and dancing and walking around

To where?