Monday, November 19, 2012

Missing him


I ended up at the place he kissed me goodbye. As I walked towards the steps where, my hands were last entangled in his hair and his eyelashes last fluttered open on my cheeks, everything inside me sank. Heavy. As if saying, 'please, no.' As I walked towards it, knowing I couldn't escape it, wondering how it took me so long to relive this moment anyway, I looked up and saw the most beautiful tree. It must have been there when we stopped and kissed, but it's no surprise I didn't see it. The way his lips are perfectly sweet and his eyes always shone with the word he'd never say out loud to me, I wouldn't have noticed anything around me.

But seeing it now, I couldn't help but smile. If he were here, he'd laugh at the way my eyes lit up, the way I'd interrupt him to say 'Look! At the way the sun is shining through it! Ohhh, it's the most beautiful tree I've ever seen!' He would smile to himself, as if knowing the answer before he even asked me, "Why do you need to say these things out loud, why do you have this need to tell people how beautiful things around them are?" and I would smile inside knowing he was trying to figure me out or that he already had, and that all I really had to do was look at him to know the answer.

If he were here, he'd notice that I keep ordering iced coffee, and that today I didn't steal his chips. If he were here I would wait for him to piece together the moments that point to secrets I once told him as facts. He'd notice that I am still trying to tie myself together with tiny crosses, and he would sit with me until I realised to ask him for help. He would say words like, nap and chest and ocean. Words like, pretentious and simple and, kiss. Words that sounds a million times more filledwithlove, because he said them in an accent that charmed me. Words that, if I wanted to taste I could interrupt as they came out of his mouth.

He would watch me read, and it would feel like he was waiting for thousands of butterflies to fly from my heart. All he ever got was cant-resist kisses and iloveyous. Moments of watching me wish for kids, and of me watching him love kids. Moments of screaming 'it's like you were made for me, how is this happening' when I couldn't understand how something felt so right. And then, one day he got youdontunderstand and idontfeelliketalking, and silence and floating away. He remembered the 'I'm falling in love with you' and the way I'd dream out loud, but he also always remembered that day in the gardens. He got so many iwishyouwereheres, but never Come Back, and I think that's all he ever wanted.

We weren't perfect, but today I missed him.

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