Sunday, October 7, 2012

dear september

when you started, when you came, i was hurting. i hurt when you come, every year. because for some reason, my heart especially longs for all things fashion week, all things new york. all i want is to breathe it in and drink spiced pumpkin lattes, and not crave summer while the other half of the world is wearing knits.
the first week was the hardest, always is. my friends were going to places ive always dreamed of. just when i was telling myself i didn't want to travel, i wanted to be in a hundred different worlds. you started and i knew it would hurt, but i didn't know id stop wanting to marry him, stop saying 'come home to me' and start hoping he falls out of wishing for me. my life was kind of a mess, waiting for something to real happen.

and then it did. i bought way too many clothes, because they made me happy, and i spent my life in waterfall skirts, which made me even happier. i threw surprise parties and charmed people into believing i was something i wanted to be.

then i met a boy who, loved me before i knew his name. we dreamed of life, sharing this city. and when we sat under those fairy lights and i asked him not to leave, i told this boy i loved him too. it seemed like the stars fell into place and he was the heart of them, made for me. made to love every part of me, made to match the girl i really am. 

then, emptiness led me to a boy with blue eyes and honey-soaked words (he'd been trying to find me again, and this time i let him.) when im with him, i keep thinking 'it's like the heavens fell into him' and i let him make me happy in ways i hadn't known before.

and then, moments of catch-your-breath happy, floating through colours and joy and wishes for days to come. turned into deep red and confrontations with people who i have been hurting, people who let me down in ways no one deserves. honest conversation. saying words ive had only on my heart for months, and that relief when it falls into the air between us. turned into floating through grey skies in my heart, into boredom and confusion and doubts and, flashes of feeling so loved it almost starts to ache, but it feels so good it never ends up hurting. until im alone and things start to become clear.

but i guess, that's life. 

and this month, the highs have been higher than the lows have been low. 

i think that means im winning at this game.

(still really glad youre over.) oh, but i made a video with some moments i loved. xo

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