To be disappointed

Do you know what that's like? To wake up sad. 

Not sad about a test or the rain or a bad dream filled with blood.

Sad that you woke up. 

Disappointed that the silent wish you made, was just that.

A wish that never came true 

and now

You have to see the same coffee table when you walk barefoot around your lounge 

And smile at strangers who also eat avocado in their pasta

And breathe every few seconds, you have no choice in that

Stupid body stupid keeping itself alive 

When it's exactly what you don't want to be. 

A song of pain and promise

I am the kind of sick that

Makes me want to stab a knife into my side

At the sound of a voice in my memory

Or the sudden moment of remembering a place I can never go back to

I am the kind of sick that 

causes me to stop talking in the middle of my sentence because all the other thoughts rush back loudly 

I am the kind of sick that makes me feel

Like a butterfly and a waterfall

Fragile flutters / crashing waves

And every tip-toe feels like it will be my last

My body feels like one of the glass jugs

The ones I've only-almost broken 

on days when I forget I'm holding things

Strong in some places, fragile in more 

Something hollow, with delicate openings 

For all the bad to pour in and crush me from the inside 

But when I catch my breath

In the quiet inbetweens 

In the minutes before my body screams again 

I try to remember that in Japan a broken porcelain bowl is filled with sacred gold

Pretty little edges filling broken parts 

And so I fill myself with light

Sunsets, banjos, ribbons, love

And I fill myself with light to keep me whole

Don't let the bad come in You're golden 

Don't let the bad come in You're golden.

I'm scared that I will die

I'm scared that I will die and all my journals will sit in their corner

I'm scared that  will die and every thought and hope and wish I made won't have it's time to come true.

I'm scared that I will die and all the boys I liked won't read the poems I wrote about them

I'm scared the letters I wrote to my mom won't be found (I'm scared they will be found, too)

I'm scared my heartsongs will never be heard

but I am also scared they will.

I'm scared that I will never fill a book with Charlotte

and that we won't have that glitter-filled store and we won't save as many lives as I know we can

I'm scared dust glitter rain won't change the world if I don't make it

I'm scared that all my feelings will stop my heart a day too soon

I am scared that I'm not living

The way I want to and the way that matters

I'm scared I'm scared

That I will never earn this life back

The miracle that filled my heart when I felt alive again -and wanted to be

after every night I prayed so hard -tears running down my face, hysterical-

I'm scared every day I breathe and cry and worry.

I'm scared I am never enough light and never enough hope

to earn all of this life back.

I am scared that I am fooling my way through

all this breathing and dancing and walking around

To where?

A year ago: a messy list

A year ago
Everything was dark and numb and
I don't remember

A year ago
I can't believe it
I think some more about how I don't believe in time

A year ago
He kissed me
Like an idiot! Outside her house before they drove away
Because a boy who didn't know me said he should
He kissed me! Idiot!
Like he was the bridge and I was the river
and all he had to do was jump

A year ago I fell in love
and we pretended our first kiss was in the ocean
I remember the sticky wet-suit I later found out was his
I remember my feet colder than they've ever been
I remember feeling my heart swell while I watched him from afar

A year ago
A girl with floral Docs
She had floral docs!
Painted a school with me in the rain
We rode in trains after beach-filled days

A year ago
was my birthday but I only remember one hour of it
on the couch with a tin of caramel and a tiny hope he'd call

One year ago
All my days were spent by the ocean, smiling about playful children
All my nights were spent in dimly-lit bars
Caramel vodka beer beer beer
Long drive home with the window open

There was one night
One night that
-there was warm skin and all I saw were the constellations forming between us
One night a year ago that never ended
But it began again in soft sunlight
One night a year ago that
Still feels soft like sunlight.

A year ago was a string of dark moments and delicate echoes
Today is a million shades brighter.

Ten

I remember being ten and having my first crush. His class was upstairs, and every morning he would walk down the stairs in his blazer. The big parking lot seemed like it moved in slow motion. I remember staring at his caramel hair, though that's not what I called it then. I just liked the way it moved in the breeze and when he laughed with his friends. 

I remember being ten and having my birthday party feel like my goodbye party, because that's what it was. We invited people I liked during the few years at that school, and we ice-skated for hours. I remember the cold and I remember my outfit, skating to the edge. 

I remember being ten and watching my grandmother cry, and not being sure why I wasn't sad too. I don't remember being saddened by someone's tears before that afternoon. I was confused and heartbroken for her. I remember my soft, green tracksuit that we picked out especially for that day.

I remember a snow globe with my cousin's face in it, a photo we took that day at the airport. I have that snowglobe in my cupboard now. On a shelf with my sequin berets and cupcake-jar of rings. On the other side of the snow globe is a picture of my cat. The one my aunt's looked after while we lived overseas, and never gave back when we came home. 

I remember being ten and walking home from the grocery store, down a main road that felt more open than any place I'd been before. We went to the biggest toy store that day, and I saw hundreds of different dolls. It was giant and full; high walls and loud noises. In the street, I would have believed the world was empty except for us. Like those scenes from movies about the end of the world. 

I remember being ten and waking up cold, on a blue fold-up mattress. Walking across soft carpets that, if I dragged my socks across them, would give me a shock on my parents' bedroom door handle. The kitchen was too-bright and too-cold but the Oreo cereal was exciting every day. 

I was ten when I had my first White Christmas. The adults went for a walk in the icy streets. My mom's red coat always kept her warm. I showed a very clever boy my new purple gift. He's a man now, with a wife and a job in computers. I remember my velvet dress and my mom whispering angrily, that I should offer to help. I told my imaginary friends why that hurt my feelings. The reasons are still the same today. 

I remember being ten and sitting in class, trying to memorize it all. Wanting to be perfect so the moments would last as long as they could. I colored in brightly, and jumped as high as I could even though sports wasn't something I liked or was good at. I examined plants and spent hours choosing the best stationery. 

I remember my Harry Potter backpack and the cinema where we watched the first movie. I bought the TV guide that week because Hermione was on the cover. I was ten years old and so we they, but their photographs were in glossy magazines and their laughter was on the Internet. I learned the different types of British accent by staying up late listening to their interviews.

The most magical memory of being ten,  I will keep in my heart so it's always safe. We walked through autumn leaves and they danced around us like fairies. I was ten and I knew everything would be okay. 

Home is

I have found home

In the way his eyes shine when he walks towards me 

In a university cafeteria where the chocolate milk tastes like the kind I'd drink with cereal before the school bus came

In getting off a plane and looking up at the sky, the clouds a familiar pink

I have found home in waiting rooms
between magazines and names being called

I have found home

In the rush of being backstage, waiting in the wings 
I have found home 

In the moment before he makes a quick joke, while I wait for it to come

I have found home with room service pizza and foreign television

I found home in the palms of trusting boys who take my hand to meet their families

I found home while walking through markets of dusty streets and bright colours 

I have found home in the way the stars look through the car window while we're driving home

I have found home

What is love

Love is
the way you look at me
even over Skype
and you know that I need to laugh
so you do magic tricks
and ask me about the sky today
until i say something about how i can't look away
from your smile and i
see gold sparkles when you laugh

Love is
when she sends me messages filled with words like
'hope' and
'light' and
'you are going to change the world'
Love is the way she'd send them the moment I wake up
ten seconds after I decide I'm too sad to get out of bed

Love is
driving to the ocean at midnight
because I want icecream and the stars
Love is your heartbeat at 3am
because I can't sleep without it
Love is knowing how I like my tea
and making it a little sweeter when I'm tired

Love is
receiving a handwritten letter
Love is
a crochet blanket from my grandmother
Love is
the way my grandfather wanted to die after his wife did
because he made his life with her
and what is life without the one you love
Love
is cheese on everything
when you make me dinner after therapy
Love
You
You are love Love is you

And I love you
even though I didn't believe in it until I accidentally
said it when I asked him not to leave
And I love you in ways I didn't know I could
I love you For ever
For ever
Every day every night every time I am lost
Love

Love is the way my eyes flutter
when a little girl laughs
and you smile cautiously
Love is
all the books you hide in after sunset
and all the books I found myself in before sunrise
Love is yes
Love is no
Love is
Always