Sunday, February 10, 2013

Scared of

My social anxiety has got to a level so bad that I've started hiding. In my room, in bathrooms, in empty places.

I'd read or just sit, being sad, being terrified. Sometimes I cry, because everything hurts, or because it's so unfair that I can't just be, a normal person. Then I remember that's not something I ever want to be.

I cant make plans. I never know if I will be good or bad on that day. Sometimes I nearly have a panic attack just thinking about coming near people in a few days time. and I am lucky to have a few incredible friends who have stuck by me despite this frustrating reality.

Anxiety is hard, anxiety linked to my irregular mood fluctuation feels even harder. I'm working through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is helping me identify triggers and teaching me to talk my mind out of controlling my feelings.

With this illness, even tiny thoughts I didn't realize I've had, or difficult conversations, can trigger days and days of the darkest kind of sadness, or days and days of an incredibly reckless high.

Being alive is hard work, but fighting this pain is worth it.

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